Marriage Life After BIG Quarrel?

CanCanMum

CanCanMum

Moderator
Hi All,



Just something to ask all of u for an opinion on behalf of my friend.....



For those who have not followed the previous "episode" of what happened to my best friend, here the link:


http://www.mummysg.com/forums/f13/why-can-t-you-accept-she-i-just-friends-6468/



<basically they have quarreled due to her DH's female friend whom he claims that "They are just friends". But they smsed one another quite frequently and up till the extent that they greet one another good morning and good night....and even when they were on holiday the lady will sms her DH to ask him how is he now etc etc....>



Anyway things have been 'great' for her, her DH is ok now, they are living life as normal....DH agrees to reconcile, DH is spending time with the kids, less smses when at home or perhaps none at all? At work = totally an unknown factor.....



However, my friend is still living in misery because she is somehow suspicious of everything her DH is doing.....be it holding a HP, smses coming in (lesser now but still have but it gets deleted after it has been read), and whole day while he was at work.....



How can she trust this man again? How can she walk out of her misery? Her DH is not willing to give her a conclusion, as in whether he wishes to keep a distance with the girl or not.....but he is willing to reconcile.



Although all of us are telling her not to think too much, just try to live life happily as it is....she has tried very very hard but there is still this uncomfortable feeling that she is unable to let go....let alone start to rebuild the trust again....very hard she says



Any views on this?



Continue on life with a suspicious heart?
 
elmo493

elmo493

Member
Your gf really need to get herself occupy with somethings else before their relationship sour again of all these 'TRUST'.

You need to trust someone to be with him/her everyday. Otherwise it will be very difficult for both parties. Consultation from the professional might really help.

Recall what you used to enjoy doing during courtship, (e.g short trip to malaysia, trekking,etc). Continue to do it even though you are married for million year. It really help to recap all those lovely memory.:shyxxx:
 
M

MsKoh1973

Member
I think your fren is lacking of confidence. She thinks that she doesn't have the "power" to keep her husband tat's why she becomes suspicious.

I have an ex-colleague, he is marry with 2 kids. When he is feeling down or when he need advise, he always like to call me. There were times when we chat 3-4 hrs until abt 1-2 am. I were at home, he was chating from his house carpark, he had reached home, but he choose to stay in the carpark to chat with me rather than go home.

You ask if we have special feelings for each other, I don't think so. Cos when I was out with him (quite rare, maybe once every 3 mths +), if his wife called, he could just tell her that he is talking to me and he is busy now, and asked her to call back later.

Of cos my husband abit buay song, but not to the extend that he suspect we were up to something fishy, he only cannot tahan when he at home with me, I am not paying attention to him but chit chating with another man. But I explained to my husband that my fren (tho I younger by abt 10 yo) needs my advise on his business decision or office work or colleague problems. I tried not to chat so long if my husband at home.

Your fren should try to occupy herself with more shopping , facial, hairdo trips to dress up herself, by then, she will be very bo eng and no time to suspect this and tat, think maybe her husband may find her more precious as she doesn't stick to him and becomes more attractive, scare she being snatch away by someone.

Frankly speaking, I am not pretty (not those type that normal pp will appreciate kind of beauty, hehehehe) and I am quite fat, but I never worry my husband will do something funni behind my back, in fact my husband more worry abt me doing something funni behind his back cos he know I can talk to pp very well. I always make everyday of my husband so exciting, sometimes its more interesting in real life than seeing tv shows.
 
autumn82

autumn82

Well-Known Member
Darling... since she wants to carry on w her DH, then no choice lor. Try keeping herself bz so that her mind will not keep on thinking on tt affair... Not easy but if she doesn't, it will still go bk to the same old story.. In the meantime, try to widen her circle of frens... Heh. :)

We can gib plenty of advices but it's up to her whether she can accept and do it.. *sayangs* darling...
 
CanCanMum

CanCanMum

Moderator
thanks to elmo493, Mskoh1973 and darling autumn for your advices and views, really appreciate it....

she has tried marriage counselling but all the replies that she gets are pretty similar to what we have told her.

and she said she feels although they have known each other for how many years, eh...18? All of a sudden she feels that her DH seemed like a stranger to her....although they are starting things afresh, she still canx help being suspicious about this and that....and let alone trust him.....

just as she wants very much to be able to step out and start afresh, part of her still clings on to the past unhappiness.....

will going for a holiday retreat help? Just the 2 of them? She is able to make arrangements to care for her two kids.
 
J

JeannieKhor

New Member
I think yr gf shldn't be so worry. I also like MsKoh can easily talk to pple. My church member who is a man use to call me & ask how r we doing. 10 yrs ago my husband business was bad & we lost everything. This church bro was very concerned & called me quite often to find out how are we doing. In the beginning I was very restrained. After 10 years he still calls & I started to pour our problems to him. I am younger than him about 6 yrs. & he gives advice vy effecient. I thk yr friend shldn't be so worry coz somtimes man & woman can also be good friends. Most important yr husband must understand that he is a married man with kidds.
 
CanCanMum

CanCanMum

Moderator
hello jeannie,

perhaps thats the reason why the quarrel started....difference in views on man and woman being close friends.....hahaha....well we all have different levels of acceptance when given this choice.....

hows CNY at ipoh? Is it quieter this year? Its very quiet at KL......(off topic....)
 
M

MsKoh1973

Member
Actually quarrelling in marriage life is normal, it makes life "exciting", but must know where is the limit.

One day before CNY I also quarrel with my husband, I just have an abortion on 14.01.09 becos my bb was abnormal so I was on confinement. When my husband shower me with herbs, he accidental pour cold water onto my feet, I was very angry and showed him face.

Don't know why he was super hot temper tat day, he scolded me. I was angry & went out of the house, walking along kallang river side, I was dam angry so I sent him a threatening sms that I wanted to go join my bb.

About an hour later my sister found me and ask me to go home, but i refuse until my husband came to apologize to me. He said he did come to look for me earlier but can't find me.

Quarrel in marry couple is very common, but don't let it affect your marriage life. Tho on and off I will still remind my husband what happen in the past quarrel, but is for him to remember those learning points (I am always right in each quarrel with my husband, regardless of topics). So that he can keeps improving.

Y'sday we quarrel again cos I wanted to visit my gyn before my next pregnancy to seek some clarification on vitamin B and folic acid, he said waste money, I was very angry and quarrel with him again.

But later he apologize, I have forgiven him, but he knows, when the next quarrel comes, this will be in the agenda......cos I never forgets abt each quarrel.......
 
CanCanMum

CanCanMum

Moderator
hi Mrs Koh,

its important to forget every quarrel that u have went thru becoz otherwise during the next one we will rake up the past ones and makes the quarrel even bigger and worst.....and every time after every quarrel we need to talk about it and how we can avoid it altogether, of coz when we are less heated up becoz if its not sorted out it will just get repeated again.

however, i find your hubby quite accomodating to your feelings and needs leh....he is always the one apologising....mine arh, sometimes i need to apologise even if i am not in the wrong ley....but after the quarrel i will tell him tat i am apologising coz i dun wan to always quarrel becoz of small things and den he will den apologize....sick hor! MCPs!
 
M

MsKoh1973

Member
My husband always say he is not perfect, that's why he makes mistake. He promise to continue improvement if I forgive him every time.

He say I am a clever person, so don't be too calculative with him since he not so smart.

My husband last time used to work as a Sailor, he was a captain, said when sail ships, many big wind big wave he had seen, he knows life is precious so he don't want to waste time fighting with me, apologizing is easier to cut short the whole thing.

Of cos he much older than me, he 45 this yr, so he mature, I childish, so he doesn't bother so much with my loss of temper.
 
Last edited:
tommyBoi

tommyBoi

Alpha Male
Cancanmum

Share wif u this touching story which i got it from other forum.. U may want to sent to ur fren for her hubby..


" On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped
in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then
plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene of ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid,
I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affections between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.

Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was
more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.

Dew came into my life.

It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from
behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her.

Dew said, You are the kind of man who best draws girls eyeballs. Her
words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we just married, my wife
said, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.
Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my
wife. But I couldn t help doing so.

I moved Dew s hands aside and said, You go to select some furniture,
O.K.? I ve got something to do in the company. Obviously she was
unhappy, because I had promised her to go and see with her. At the
moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used
to be something impossible to me.

However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter
how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly,
she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was
sitting together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's
body. This was the means of my entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slight joking way, suppose we divorce, what
will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word.
Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from
her. I couldn t imagine how she would react once she got to know I was
serious.

When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the
staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide
something while talking with her. She seemed to have got some hint. She
gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.

Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live
together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I ve got something
to tell you, I said.

She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know
what I was thinking. I want to divorce. I raised a serious topic calmly.

She didn t seem to be much annoyed by my words, instead she asked me
softly, why? . I m serious. I avoided her question. This so-called
answer turned her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!

At that night, we didn t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she
wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly
give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated
that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She
glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart.
The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger
one day. But I could not take back what I had said.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected
to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of
divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and
clearer.

A late night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her
writing something at the table. I fell asleep fast. When I woke up, I
found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.

She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn t want anything from me,
but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce, and in
the month s time we must live as normal life as possible. Her reason was
simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she
didn t want him to see our marriage was broken.

She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day?
This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me.
I nodded and said, I remember . You carried me in your arms , she
continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your
arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.

I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished
to end her marriage with a romantic form.

I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and
thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face
the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made
me feel uncomfortable.

My wife and I hadn t had any body contact since my divorce intention was
explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out for the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son
clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, Let us start from today, don t tell our son. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for bus, I drove to office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my
chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse.
I realized that I hadn t looked at this intimate woman carefully for a
long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine
wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, The outside garden is being
demolished. Be careful when you pass there.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were
still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The
visualization of Dew became vaguer.

On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as,
where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc.
I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger.

I didn t tell Dew about this.

I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me
stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now.

She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried
quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, All my
dresses have grown fatter. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was
because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because
I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart.
Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to
touch her head.

Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it s time to carry mum out. He said.
To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential
part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him
tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at
the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom,
through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck
softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our
wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step.
Our son had gone to school. She said, Actually I hope you will hold me
in your arms until we are old.

I held her tightly and said, Both you and I didn t notice that our life
was lack of such intimacy.

I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid
any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew
opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won t divorce. I m
serious.

She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got no
fever. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can
only say sorry to you, I won t divorce. My marriage life was boring
probably because she and I didn t value the details of life, not because
we didn t love each other any more. Now I understand that since I
carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to
hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed
the door and burst into cry. I walked downstairs and drove to the
office.

When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my
wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me to write the
greeting words on the card. I smiled and wrote, I ll carry you out every
morning until we are old.
 
S

shirleyong

Member
well for me i think if i decide to move on. i need to forgive hb and myself with all the different emotion and thought and have a pact "like marriage cert" and move on. but still times will come when mistrust can arises but as my pastor always say we need to trust, move on and it is always good to have sweet memories of the past so that as we look back it gives us strength. but this must come from both committment.
 
wenz

wenz

Member
oh i read this story before... very touching and sweet...
1st time i read bring tears to my eyes...

maybe cancanmum can suggest to ur fren to do something with her hubby everyday to bring back the passion again...

example for myself, since me and hubby started dating, a good-bye kiss everyday is a MUST, i make it a point tat he need to kiss my goodbye before going to work everyday so it becomes a habit... if he forgot he will feel uneasy and i will feel unhappy... so he'll do it even if he's running late...

try something... it may help...
 
SH74

SH74

Member
i think if she wants to carry on w her hb, she has to try put that past incident aside. mayb a romantic trip to a spa resort will help but will b awkward at 1st.

but i think mayb go for some activities that requires team building will b better. get rid of that awkwardness.
 
J

jjmummy

New Member
CanCanMum said:
thanks to elmo493, Mskoh1973 and darling autumn for your advices and views, really appreciate it....

she has tried marriage counselling but all the replies that she gets are pretty similar to what we have told her.

and she said she feels although they have known each other for how many years, eh...18? All of a sudden she feels that her DH seemed like a stranger to her....although they are starting things afresh, she still canx help being suspicious about this and that....and let alone trust him.....

just as she wants very much to be able to step out and start afresh, part of her still clings on to the past unhappiness.....

will going for a holiday retreat help? Just the 2 of them? She is able to make arrangements to care for her two kids.
Click to expand...

I can understand ur frenz's feeling bcoz i oso went thru' the similar thing as her. My DH would always sms to tis colleague of his (a gal) daily even weekends. Of course, i got jealous n suspect too. But until one day, during my confront to him, he mentioned tat he only wants to confide in sumone. BCoz he was unhappy in his work n he dun wish me to worry so he confide in his colleague. ANd he assured me he had not done anything unfaithful to me. As his wife, i shd trust him if not, how is tis marriage going to work. Maintaining a marriage isn't easy.
 
Queenbabe

Queenbabe

Well-Known Member
Sometimes i also think that i prefer to be alone wif my kids rather to have a husband beside me coz i i dont like to quarrel wif him . When im not happy i will keep quiet even he ask me questions i wont answer him so one day the tone he talk to me as if like going to beat me but he didnt , i dont know y that day i also feel like wanted to beat him too coz i really forgive & forget too many times .

He never really learn , now i live on just for my kids . So what he apologise everytime after quarrel or put all his anger on me ? Y if i slap him & apologise to him , can he accept it ? I dont think he can . My temper is also very bad & stubborn , he should be glad that i can endure & tolerate him . Whenever after quarrel now i wont talk to him at all . I really dont know what to do sometimes , 2nd marriage also so unhappy .
 
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