What did i do wrong??

[Wonderwhy]

It started like this, the story.................

My sister just have a miscarriage during her 1st time preggy(5mth old bb,twins) she put the blame on me and saying that she joining me now in having depression.

actually during her preggy, Yes. Im the one who call her to tell her about family problem(i admitted) Cos my brother have a girlfriend(who hv married & hv a 6yrs old girl) which my mum super objection and so was my dad. So my mum knew it,very upset and cry everyday when she calls me, and so was my brother cry everyday to call me and ask me to help him by telling my mum and explaining.... I myself really don't know how to settle/handle this problem and that why i call my sis to talk about it.... (bcos during this thing happen, my hubby was oversea as he a sailor) So i got no one to talk to. And i feel that family problem shld family mem than can settle it ma.And that the reason i talk to my sis. But she blame me after her miscarriage saying "when she was preggy, she wanted to stay happy.But i keep adding family problem to her" Am i wrong to do that?

My sister and brother, I always help them and care for them when they got problem or sick(in hospital)no matter how busy i am and tiring looking after my 2kid all by myself. I still make the effort of going and show my care. i never expect anything from them at all and just want to let them know, the reason i do that is bcos they are my only bro & sister. But when come to me, staying in hospital, miscarriage, give birth & resting at hm. They will never come and visit me(they got no kids at all) It reallys hurting me bcos how come when im down, there's no one in my family come n visit me at all. My hubby knew about it again & again (cos it's not the 1st time i admitted in hosptial and thing happen to me) He hates them so much and tell me not to bother about them when thing happen to them the next time as they keep hurting me. But i told him "no matter what we r still sibiling"

But who knows this time after my sis incident. I really upset by the way she sms me and posting in another forum complaining abt me and telling others i have depression......

 

[Ting]

sry to hear that, but i think it is too much for your sis to blame u for what happened.
but she might be very upset thats why she say such things.
just tt imo, given the way u say abt her being so heck care, i doubt she even got bothered abt your bro's problems but just finding someone to blame (but herself) for the miscarriage, and just nice u happen to "appear" so she just conveniently put the blame one u. it is not your fault, n perhaps not hers (if she didnt do anything wrong) that the MC happened. it can happen to anyone. dont blame yourself.
if they dont bother abt you, i think u shldnt waste so much time on them either.

 

[Ashbaby]

Have big heart and forgive her bah. I think she must be too painfull after lossing 2 child and couldnt think properly.

 

[TANZHENZHI]

Actually you did nothing wrong and your sis was too upset about her loss that's y she want to push the blame to someone. If you're tired or enough of the family problems, please let your bro and mum knows, you aldy have enough things to worry. So dun add onto your burden. Take care.

 

[MsKoh1973]

sometimes family are like tat, you help too much, others dun bother, recall last time when my sis gv birth to her first child, her husband (now x) din even go to hosp at all, cos he said, once I am there, everything will settle, payment, buy things, fetch her, documentation......

last year, my sister and brother nearly quarrel with me, cos they said I not fair when giving them CNY ang bao, actually both were married, rightfully I don't need to give, but like to help out abit cos their finaces not tat good.....then it all became my fault.......

when my bro need money for renovation, my dad asked me to help, tat time I dun have money, so my dad asked me to be guantor for my bro. When my bro defaulted payment, bank sent me those warning letters to sue me, I called up my bro, bro said I "dai jin xiao kuai"............

Lucky in the end, he continue w the payment, otherwise oso dun noe what will happen.

Now my brother don't buy medical insurance, he said, if sick or anything, he will kill himself, so that his msia PR wife can go claim his life insurance. I very scare, I am the one who beg him to buy, and of cos, I have to pay, but tat's not only insured him, insure me as well, cos I noe if anything happen, he won't have the money to pay, so in the end, I definitely have to pay, so better get myself cover.

 

[peacenjoy86]

Well, in this situation you got to keep your mind clear. It is understandable that you sister feels depressed because of her situation but in anycase, there should be no reason for you to shoulder the blame. I can empathise with you as I was blamed for sitaution not within my control as well. Of course, we feel very upset. However, we must not loose our mind and slip into depression cos, that's not gonna to help the you or the situation. Just have faith and try to be patient during this difficult time. Hopefully, your sister will come around her sense soon and appreciate her family members.

take care.

 

[lynntanll]

don't blame yourself. Let her cool down 1st. It might be bad for her to lose 2 babies at the same time. Just let her cool down and everything will be fine. Siblings don't harbour bad feelings forever.

Take care ya!

 

[PinkDiamonds]

When we lose a loved one, we go through a few phases. Ur sister is most likely in denial and anger. Angry that her babies are lost and putting the blame on you, while denying that she also has responsibility to the loss.

Sometimes our body is just not well enough to carry a baby, that's why we may miscarriage. It can also be due to genetic defect in the baby or other health reasons, that's why the babies cannot survive in the womb anymore.

I am also having twins and in the earlier part of my pregnancy I also have my own problems which made me upset and kept me feeling depressed. But after all, I believe is the person itself, how he/she see the problem. I tried not to think too much and do things within my power. So, it's your sister's attitude towards the family problem that caused her worry and be sad. But I won't deny that feeling down all the time can also contribute to poor development of pregnancy as it's also a form of stress.

Most importantly is don't blame yourself for her loss. Instead if you can, try to offer her comfort. If you don't you can do that, then just let her cool down and recover from the loss.

 

[apollo]

*hugs* my dear, you did nothing wrong..... I know it's very upsetting that your sis push the blame to you on her MC. But she didnt want it to..

I personally suffered from a MC b4. When I was 11th week preg. That time was just the 11th week and I could feel the pain and sadness, cried for quite a long time. Imagine your sister, she is pregnant with 2 babies and only MC on her 2nd tri where many ppl would think is a 'safe zone'.

I think your sis dont really have the intention to blame you. She needs time to accept the fact. Sometimes when one cant accept the fact, he/she will tend to push the blame to the whole world..

 

[Wonderwhy]

Tks for all mummies reply. Actually And honestly speaking i really don't feel that im wrong at all. But i just cant stand the way she said me "now i have depression and she joining me now lo" seem like i purposely wanted her to have this sickness.

I have a Miscarraige before,i endup bleeding alot after give birth to my 1st child(was sent by ambulane), i have gastric prob (2mth can't eat/drink...)end up in the hositpal....... Nobody from my family(siblings) cm and help or visit me. I already very upset over their doings all these years.

This Preggy of my sister (1st preggy) I still mk the effort the boil her tonic/her every thur after her 1st trimster. I nv charge her anything, i do for her just that i knew she is busy with her working life and her MIL don;t know how to boil... and she was my only sister....

It so hurting when she said me and blame me... But i told myself, GOD is there to see all my doings. So even she don't want to treat me as a sister. i also got nothing to say.

 

[angelwendy]

Hugz.... it must have been hard on u... but we cannot stop what people think & say... just let it be.... & u will be more happy... just don't care about what they say since u did nothing wrong... Patz...

 

[shopaholic]

I dont think she shd blame you, but she may not be thinking straight after the miscarriage. Leave her alone for her awhile if you feel you're upsetting her by calling up.

That said, I agree that she didnt seem to show concern for you the same way. You know how it is that when some people are single, they didnt know how to care for others. Some may still hv the mindset which centres along themselves. On the other hand, you as an elder sister has a family and kids, and may be more sensitive to their needs. I think as long as you hv a clear conscience, you need not hv to worry or be upset about the whole thing.

Take care.

 

[Jovy]

Be calm do not be affected on your sis, she is upset and you cant blame her to say such things. It is not your fault of what happened to her twins. obviously your sis and bro are not the type of person you are expecting or at least you wish them to be. Just be yourself and carry on with your life. I have 2 bros myself and can never speak up to them, but if they have probs either personal of financially I am there number one. including my parents I can never talk to them as well. I am going to induce my baby tonight and have not even inform them yet as I know they wont understand it or they would not know what to say to me. I dont expect them to support me though. And I am doing all this with just my partner and my coming baby. No help or anything! I chose not too. I am in Singapore with social pass my relatives are all back in the Philippines, I have few friends here but of course I do not expect much from them since they also have their own lives. Goodluck and hope you feel better soon. Don't let this stress you.

 

[MsKoh1973]

sometimes not easy to get over tat kind of feeling.......

I need to abort my 2nd preg last yr becos it was deformed....till now, sometimes when quarrel, i still told my husband its his fault, cos he repair the ceiling light when I preg.

told him to get it done asap, he dun want, want to save money, remove the ceiling light for one month plus oso never put back, go everywhere to source for parts.

when the doc said my bb was badly deformed, I was so angry that I wanted to divorce him, cos its all his fault, even till now I still believe so.........
there is no way of proving whether I am right or wrong, neither did I feel better cos I put the blame on him, or trying to find fault with him, cos there is no way of turning back again.

I am trying again next month, but told my husband, this time whatever spolit in the house, if he want to do repair himself to save money, he better get it done before i preg, otherwise, touch wood, if things go wrong again, and I find that his fault, this time, I am going to divoce him and kick him out of the house.

 

[Ting]

honestly, thats very childish. it is not your hubby's fault for what happened.
things like this happen naturally, n it isnt caused by changing a light bulb or renovating the whole hse. its a old wive's tale.
u should learn to let go and accept this fact, though it hurts u.
if not, it will only create more problems in btw u n your hubby.

 

[Renzie]

There were alot of old wives tale which I didn't listen to, going to construction sites (my SIL was building her own house) and before we announced my pregnancy to everyone, we went there practically everyday.

Not climbing up and down during pregnancy, I did it behind hubby's grandmother's back. As I had to reach for something at the top of the cupboard.

your husband is probably upset as well that the child has to be aborted. You don't feel better blaming him, so what's the point of doing so? He's also probably feeling very guilty himself.

 

[MsKoh1973]

There were alot of old wives tale which I didn't listen to, going to construction sites (my sister In law was building her own house) and before we announced my pregnancy to everyone, we went there practically everyday.

Not climbing up and down during pregnancy, I did it behind hubby's grandmother's back. As I had to reach for something at the top of the cupboard.

your husband is probably upset as well that the child has to be aborted. You dont't feel better blaming him, so what's the point of doing so? He's also probably feeling very guilty himself.

He will never stop doing it unless I put the blame on him. He still continue to take his own sweet time to repair things, little things cost few bulks, can just buy and replace, he want to modify, just to save that few bulks, to me, that is stingy.

I always told him, if he really that poor that he need to survive by saving few dollars, then I must well quit my job, then dun need to spend money traveling to wk, he can save more.

 

[Wonderwhy]

Tks for those mummy for your concern & console. Actually im posting this as above is not to show how pity or how kind am i am. Im just telling and asking why i always treat someone so caring/good.... but I get hurt and sadness from them.

But anyway, I just wish that my sister can be strong and even she need my help another time, I will still help even though she never treat me so. Cos i have said " I do that bcos i cherish my family member" And that is my GOD who teaches me. Don't take ppl for granted! Don't treat ppl bad if they do so to us! Though we always get hurt/sad by those ppl who are. But we cant do anything to stop it, only GOD can cos he the one who create human being.

 

[zazaziya@gmail.com]

sorry to hear that.
Your sis must be deeply depressed, n very often depressed people says very depressing or downrite mean stuff. Finding someone or something to blame is an outlet, tho unforunately it happens to be you.
Try to forgive and forget. When she recovers, she may apologise to you.
I remember my uncle had cancer, and my aunt in law was very depressed. An aunt of mine (not related to the aunt in law, far far relative) told her she is sorry to hear of my uncle's cancer. My aunt in law said incomprehensibly " You must be very happy right? Go away!". The next day she apologised for her bad behavior...

 

[Leahlee]

she just needs to blame something so she can feel better. forgive and forget...