Who to compromise?

[applebreeze]

Hi all,

I like to post this situation on behalf of my sister who's experiencing it.
She is getting married next year. To save cost, she and her hubby are gonna have a wedding buffet lunch cum solemnization at a bungalow chalet instead of wedding dinner. Itinerary is morning customary and follow by wedding lunch in the noon.

The problem now lies with the customary, it is gonna be done out of respect for both side of parents. My sister is cantonese so roast pig is a must have from the guy's side. The guy's side is teochews, so to them 'si dian jin' is a must have for their daughter in law right? If they give also symbolises that they accept her into the family and shows they can get along ma right. But the thing is when my sis tried to bring tis up to her future in laws, the mum especially changed subject saying when the guy's elder brother got married last yr, she only gave a gold bracelet during the tea ceremony. But to my family's and many ppl's perception, tea ceremony and the bride dowry is a different issue, isnt it?

My sis came back to us and told us what happened, my mum was saying to her, She dun wan to give 'si dian jin', nvm. But next time when my sis married into the family, the MIL cannot bully her in any way. Is this true?

Now my sister and her hubby is very vexed over tis issue. They want both parents to see down and talk bout the terms. My parents are willing to minimize the items if they have a budget. But the guy's parents' attitude really sucks. The items that my parents want for my sister are:

- roast pig
- guo da li
- si dian jin

I wanna ask, are these things too much to ask for from a cantonese family?

Dear all,

I need your opinion on this and some solutions. My future brother in law is also fed up wit his parents. to the point he says, if they refuse to compromise, he will ROM wit my sis and fly off to honeymoon. No celebration at all. This is really upsetting many ppl. Pls advice.

 

[diymummy]

From what I understand, Si Dian Jin is giving to "pin" down the daughter-in-law because the mil is supposed to "pin"/wear the jewellery on her. That's why your mum says your sis' future in-law cannot bully. But that's the custom. If in future really bully, your sis also cannot do anything.

Is your sis' future in-laws unhappy with the union? Do they feel that it is too expensive? Or do they feel that since your sis is marrying "in", she should follow their "law"? Or are they tight financially? Is your sis expected to meet any customs of their teochew dialect? Have your future bro-in-law checked with his brother that his wife only received a gold bracelet? Or the mil cannot remember what she gave?

Your future bro-in-law should cool down. If he just ROM and fly off for honeymoon, your sis is going to have a hard time with your in-laws.

Cool down, try to find the root of the problem. It seems like there are deeper issues than this.

Are the in-laws unhappy that there is no banquet? No banquet, so they also don't want to spend so much on their daughter in law?

 

[Ting]

agree with diymummy.
perhaps u shld bring both sides n talk abt the terms to avoid any miscommunications.
if one pass msg here n there, there will definately be miscomm n more complications.
why not bring both side out for a meal n dicuss it n come to a decision.
maybe her inlaws r financially tight now (but paiseh to say out).

 

[CanCanMum]

hi applebreeze,

since your mum is willing to compromise, perhaps sit down together and try to work out something? Coz someone has to compromise to make the wedding smooth.

last thing they wish is for the entire "negotiation" to turn sour.

too much or too little is really subjective. Family A may ask for amount A but family B may think its too much although it seems reasonable. As long as there is some agreement it should be ok for both sides. Or at least try and work towards a compromise.

personally i find the betrothal gifts tat your mum has asked for are reasonable. I only noe/heard for teochew families its compulsory to ask for Si Dian Jin if they are marrying their daughter, for DIL its optional.

as respect for elders they should try and make the negotiation work rather than upsetting them. Coz older generations have their own beliefs which is hard to change. So cool down and arrange a meeting to discuss over this issue. One side has to give in a little in order to make it work. Since the wedding is still a year away, there is still time to sit down and discuss when both parties are more calm.

i have a website for your reference : Betrothal for chinese wedding

all these gift exchanges are within the family and as long as both are agreeable, sometimes a little give and take or sacrifice is needed to make things work.

most importantly is the bride and groom are loving and happily married.:wong19:

 

[apollo]

for wedding and customary, both sides HAS to compromise to each other. give and take. for my parents, they wanted those CAN pig trotters cos is easier to keep n distribute to relatives while my FIL INSIST he will only give those BIG pig trotters to us -.-""" we just let him be, we wanna save his trouble yet he dont appreciate.. haha!

but they still give us what we wanted, cos my parents wanted those traditional teochew pastry instead of those normal wedding cakes to be distribute to my relatives, my FIL gave in.... my parents even told them that they leave the ordering of the dishes to my inlaws, since they agreed with our side's request...

and i agreed with diymummy too.. if ur BIL really bring ur sis to a honeymoon instead of a customary + simple meal in SG, i'm afriad ur SIL will have a very hard time in future.. cos to ur BIL's family, they might think ur sis is the one who 'psycho' ur BIL to 'disobey' them.. no one will think the pro lies on their son, no one will think the idea comes from their son, all the faults will be pushes to the DILs =)

 

[apollo]

hi applebreeze,

since your mum is willing to compromise, perhaps sit down together and try to work out something? Coz someone has to compromise to make the wedding smooth.

last thing they wish is for the entire "negotiation" to turn sour.

too much or too little is really subjective. Family A may ask for amount A but family B may think its too much although it seems reasonable. As long as there is some agreement it should be ok for both sides. Or at least try and work towards a compromise.

personally i find the betrothal gifts that your mum has asked for are reasonable. I only know/heard for teochew families its compulsory to ask for Si Dian Jin if they are marrying their daughter, for daughter in law its optional.

as respect for elders they should try and make the negotiation work rather than upsetting them. Coz older generations have their own beliefs which is hard to change. So cool down and arrange a meeting to discuss over this issue. One side has to give in a little in order to make it work. Since the wedding is still a year away, there is still time to sit down and discuss when both parties are more calm.

i have a website for your reference : Betrothal for chinese wedding

all these gift exchanges are within the family and as long as both are agreeable, sometimes a little give and take or sacrifice is needed to make things work.

most importantly is the bride and groom are loving and happily married.:wong19:

my inlaws are hokkien, we are teochew.. but my mil gave me si dian jing, and my mum gave me too... actu b4 coming into forum etc, i tot EVERY girl has to be given si dian jing from both sides families =P

 

[CanCanMum]

my inlaws are hokkien, we are teochew.. but my mother in law gave me si dian jing, and my mum gave me too... actually before coming into forum etc, i thought EVERY girl has to be given si dian jing from both sides families =P

i dunn have si dian jin 10:10:10:

my inlaws super ngiaoOOOO now tokkin about this have made my buried blood boil Lolzzzz

my family asked for roast pig and guo da li, talk about $$$, inlaws face black. Said they malaysians, cannot afford sing $$$ lOlzzz blah blah blahhhh kn:9898:

in the end only gave $2k, tatzzz all...zzzzzzzz......no banquet nothing......zzzzzzzzzzzz

and my mum said aiyo no jewelleries, she go use her own $$ to buy a pair of gold bangles, a diamond necklace and a pair of gold earring lOlzzzzzz

hakkka family are well known for ngiao-nesss

 

[applebreeze]

From what I understand, Si Dian Jin is giving to "pin" down the daughter-in-law because the mother in law is supposed to "pin"/wear the jewellery on her. That's why your mum says your sis' future in-law cannot bully. But that's the custom. If in future really bully, your sis also cannot do anything.

Is your sis' future in-laws unhappy with the union? Do they feel that it is too expensive? Or do they feel that since your sis is marrying "in", she should follow their "law"? Or are they tight financially? Is your sis expected to meet any customs of their teochew dialect? Have your future bro-in-law checked with his brother that his wife only received a gold bracelet? Or the mother in law cannot remember what she gave?

Your future bro-in-law should cool down. If he just ROM and fly off for honeymoon, your sis is going to have a hard time with your in-laws.

Cool down, try to find the root of the problem. It seems like there are deeper issues than this.

Are the in-laws unhappy that there is no banquet? No banquet, so they also dont't want to spend so much on their daughter in law?

There dun seem to have a root problem to this. My uncle who's a teochew who married my aunt says it could the boy's side parents culture. Starting from their grandparents all r like tis tt's y it inculcate a thinking to their descendants til now. Which is difficult to break their idea isnt it? oh yes, my mum also wants traditional biscuits to be given to my side relatives.

My uncle also said to my sis that she could have a hard time when she marries in. my sis and i are very close, she always confide in me that when she's over at his hubby's place, when her MIL mood is gd everything will be swee swee. But when her mood is black, everything she does is just to irritate my sister. I meani dun get it, if they object to their marriage, can jus say rite? Or any other issues can bring out ma, why muz make everybody sour face leh? Cancanmum, you are cantonese too?

 

[CanCanMum]

Cancanmum, you are cantonese too?

yeahhh i m lOlzzzzz

tat $2k is baoOOo kaa liaOOOOO

 

[diymummy]

Sigh.. Sometimes old people.. They unhappy, they find it hard to say. My mum is like that. She rather show me black face than to tell me why she is unhappy.

If it is their side culture, yes it is hard to break it. Then the best way is to get everyone down and talk things through. That's what I did for my wedding.

My mum was asking for a lot of things. I think some are quite ridiculous so I will buffer a bit. So only the main things they gave.

 

[Phoebii Cheng]

For us, my mum in law gave me the si dian jin, and a bracelet during the tea ceremony.....and my mum in law put on the si dian jin during our engagement lunch

Actually different families hv different expectations, some may simplify some may want the real thing(follow tradition), so yes I do agree with all the mummies here that both parties have to really sit down and talk it out what do they really want for the wedding customary

Ask you brother in law to think for ur sis

 

[apollo]

i dunn have si dian jin 10:10:10:

my inlaws super ngiaoOOOO now tokkin about this have made my buried blood boil Lolzzzz

my family asked for roast pig and guo da li, talk about $$$, inlaws face black. Said they malaysians, cannot afford sing $$$ lOlzzz blah blah blahhhh kn:9898:

in the end only gave $2k, tatzzz all...zzzzzzzz......no banquet nothing......zzzzzzzzzzzz

and my mum said aiyo no jewelleries, she go use her own $$ to buy a pair of gold bangles, a diamond necklace and a pair of gold earring lOlzzzzzz

hakkka family are well known for ngiao-nesss

den ask ur inlaws buy from msia bring in to SG... my mil v funny lorr.. tt time she asked me go choose.. in the end she take 1 set in her hand asked "this one okay?" of cos i must say okay lahh!!!!!! :nah:

 

[CanCanMum]

then ask your inlaws buy from msia bring in to SG... my mother in law very funny lorr.. that time she asked me go choose.. in the end she take 1 set in her hand asked "this one okay?" of cos i must say okay lahh!!!!!! :nah:

they all bou from malaysia deee lOlzzzz

my mum even commented how come the gold bangle my mil bou got scratches deee izzit 2nd hand ones lOlzzzzzzzzzzz

 

[Koala bear mummy]

Only heard/knew of Teochews asking for sidianjin for their daughters marrying off. Not heard of if they also must give daughter-in-law especially if she is non Teochew.

Should then ask for what the Cantonese usually will want. However, it is hard to say if they can comply with all because don't know their financial situation. Of course, they cannot also just give one or two items I feel. Lack of respect or tai xiao qi le??

 

[Koala bear mummy]

they all bou from malaysia deee lOlzzzz

my mum even commented how come the gold bangle my mother in law bou got scratches deee izzit 2nd hand ones lOlzzzzzzzzzzz

It's true, I am Hakka although I don't speak it. Many of my dad's side relatives are very, very, very 'thrifty' people...Ha..

 

[camom]

Hugs.. weddings are like that. Make everyone very frazzled and frustrated.

I thought guo da li is a must for brides, regardless of what religion?

My in laws are teochew. MIL is very nice, she told me to go and choose the si dian jin myself and she'll pay for it. Of course dun dare to choose the expensive type :001_302:. She also got her sister to come from M'sia to do the "ti qing" tradition.

My mom wanted a simple simple wedding. She said can use ang bao to "offset" those troublesome customs like the chicken, PJs, shoes, etc etc. In the end, she went to a shop in Chinatown to buy a few things for my dowry and ended up carting 1 carload of stuff home

 

[CanCanMum]

Only heard/knew of Teochews asking for sidianjin for their daughters marrying off. Not heard of if they also must give daughter-in-law especially if she is non Teochew.

Should then ask for what the Cantonese usually will want. However, it is hard to say if they can comply with all because dont't know their financial situation. Of course, they cannot also just give one or two items I feel. Lack of respect or tai xiao qi ??

yeah i oso heard Si Dian Jin is for teochews marrying their daughters off....but my mum says some families does give Si Dian Jin to DIL as well......

Cantonese normally will ask for Roast PIG (dunnO why lehhh).....and the usual items in the website.

 

[CanCanMum]

It's true, I am Hakka although I dont't speak it. Many of my dad's side relatives are very, very, very 'thrifty' people...Ha..

hahahah paiseh...i dun mean all but mostly the older generation hakkas are more thrifty wahahhahah~~~

my hubbie is not thrifty at all ~~~ lOlzzz he nebber inherited.....

i can understand hakka lehhh lOlzzz but i cannot speak at all hahah~~~~

 

[hakisumi]

Hmmm...sometimes w difficult mil is damn jia lat 1..
I was given dragon phoenix bangle n a diamond bracelet for tea ceremony( hubby is hokkien)
I m Cantonese so roast pig is a must!!!
my mum gave me most of her gold jewellery..
Best to sit down n talk abt it, when both sides parents meet,things prob will turn out well?? This is the best of cos...
Ur parents need to stand firm to a certain extend also,so future in laws shld remember,my daughter marry into ur family not sell..
Got niang jiaaaaa.... Can't anyhow bully ki chi..

R ur sis n bil gg to stay w them after marry? Or they ve their own flats??
If she see bullying coming along..better dun stay w them...meet easy stay hard..lol

 

[hakisumi]

Can can mummy... I heard from my mum say roast pig means my daughter is "黄花贵女", like from decent family..no complications..plus roast pig maybe is "expensive" stuffs.. So daughters from Cantonese deserve this "piggy" lol...