Dealing with In Laws

[lonerjas]

i read all ur posts with interest, & i salute those of you who choose to "grin & bear it" whether with ILs or your own parents (read= MOTHER).

i'm very lucky to have a very understanding MIL. i stay with ILs so she's helping take care of my bb. she respects my methods & decisions. my mother is a different story however.

whatever it is, it is important for parents to remember that at the end of the day, it is about YOUR child. YOU and YOU alone are responsible for their health, upbringing & the values you impart.

if you disagree with certain methods or schools of thoughts, SPEAK UP. you have every reason to. yes, try to make them understand. but at the end of the day if your choices & decisions are still not respected, then you really should put a fullstop.

if it means pulling the child out from the environment, then by all means. remember that every single action & word placed on the child may create a lasting impression. becos everyone is defined by their upbringing.

when it comes to our children, it would be an injustice to do that "Asian thing" of keeping quiet & "hoping for the best".

Too easy to be said than done.. Like u say u r lucky to have gd ILs.

I tink if most of us insisted our ways den conflicts are bound to happen.

DH oso suffer as he is hamburgered, end up will be qaurreling with ILs or DHs. Not all ILs are understanding and educated to reason. Some MIL can be really damn bitch ( cry lah threaten don wan help look after lah ) I mean is really not easier to handle and diff family have diff issues Unless u ever been in the situation otherwise very diff to understand..

Worst still if stayin together wif ILs LOL

 

[badtzzz]

my ILs totally bo chap..i also sian..like don't have family bonding...

 

[lonerjas]

my ILs totally bo chap..i also sian..like don't have family bonding...

Got gd got bad lah... LOL:shyxxx:

 

[WeeFee's_Mummy]

Too easy to be said than done.. Like u say u r lucky to have gd ILs.

I tink if most of us insisted our ways den conflicts are bound to happen.

DH oso suffer as he is hamburgered, end up will be qaurreling with ILs or DHs. Not all ILs are understanding and educated to reason. Some MIL can be really damn bitch ( cry lah threaten don wan help look after lah ) I mean is really not easier to handle and diff family have diff issues Unless u ever been in the situation otherwise very diff to understand..

Worst still if stayin together wif ILs LOL

yup. i agree it's easier said than done. think a big part of it all also depends on support from the spouse. if both dh & dw have same goal in mind i.e. the child, then the battle is already half won.

i may have understanding ILs, but i have to battle my own mom! & a lot of times i wish i didn't have to, cos we don't stay with them & i'd love for my parents to spend as much time with bb as poss.

 

[badtzzz]

Got gd got bad lah... LOL:shyxxx:

ya..they won't nag at you..but the don't care feeling they give is not as good as well...

anyway next time we will also become ILs...hahaha

 

[lonerjas]

Aiyo don so contractdicting lah .. Kpo oso head ache bo chap oso headache lol...

just tk it as they respect u lor haha

 

[badtzzz]

last time stay under the same roof nv talk is super weird lor..like don noe each other...i rather they kpo lor...at least they showed they care...

 

[lonerjas]

Aiyo i stay with them they don talk to me but i oso quarrel with DH over them. They complain to Dh lor or purpose say loud loud let me hear but nv confront me directly..

I try to siam them and come home late after work.. Living like this is worst lor..

They don talk to u, u can ask them eat already all tis de ma lol... For me i cant be bothered best is don talk. When my MIL talk is like a bitch talking shit lor...

u can find topic with them is u wan lor LOL

 

[badtzzz]

haiz...shall see how again when my bb pops out...

 

[joshmama]

Hi Tandiona,

I can understand ur situation. When i just delivered, i have every thoughts u have, from not rocking to no need to give bb water since i will be bfding him. But when the big day comes, it is hard not to rock a bit here and there, especially when bb suddenly cry very loud. I am not siding any party because i am in your shoes too.

As for the water, i agree with you because i always believe what doc and lactation consultant tells me because they are trained in this field and if i dont believe them i should believe who then. However, apparently, my bb had some red patches and we felt his face skin very dry, so we gave him water (as my hubby's relative whom is a clinic nurse said have to give water to bb else will have dehydration, so we gave). Honestly i have no prob with that because after all water is not anything harmful.

when i went to a PD for bb check up, i brought my CL with me. The PD thought the CL is my MIL, so she suddenly said very softly "no need to give water, but if ur MIL insist, u can give a bit lah", from here can see that even doc knows how difficult we are as mothers coping with in laws. then i told her that was my CL, she giggled.

btw, we have been drinking diamond water (have checked with my gynae with that). In fact, my gynae said her 3 children now still drink diamond, not only during pregnancy. but my MIL recommend that we should sometimes mixed else next time when bring bb out, he might reject normal water.

actually between mother and in law, is really a grey area. there is no perfect solution to it because we are humans. For me, i always rem this "give and take, for the sake of my husband", so as long my hubby loves and dote me, all others is not so important to draw a strong line. now even will not think too much, because of my bb, if not for my MIL to take care of him, i will be very tired and might not be able to carry on working after my maternity leave.

Last but not least, think positive, that is what all my friends and relatives always encourage me. this - u may hear a lot of times, but it is really a initial transition period.

I understand all this is not easy for you, for me and for all the mothers who stay with their in laws.

 

[autumn82]

When I brought my DS to IL place, MIL oredi know our hse dun have yaolan and I will not let/put one at my place. She even jokingly "talk" to DS, your mum place dun have yaolan, so u betta dun sleep in yaolan hor, wait u get used to it". So when DH & me went out for awhile, leave the 2 kids at MIL place, she let DS sleep in yaolan.

When we come back, she said DS keep on crying, only sleep yaolan then stop crying & sleep very soundly. ZzzZ. I was thinking, then how my DS sleep at my place every day? Duhz. This happened for few times. At first my DH told his mum jokingly also, dun give DS sleep in yaolan wait my DD jealous. Then after 2-4times later, he told his mum jokingly again.. Dun give DS sleep in yaolan wait he get used to it how? ZzZ.. Damn funny loh, she herself know that, yet still let him sleep in it for wat?

Keep on carrying & rock DS after his milk.. I told her dun need, after burp, jus leave him on the bed, he will sleep by himself.. She said "will meh"? But still continue rocking... ZzZz. I never carry & rock him at my place, jus leave him on the bed that's it.

DH asked me to go hols/niteout, leave the 2 kids there. I can't.. Coz MIL too lenient & pamper my DD until when she goes home, I got problem handling her. I scared. DH also know.. So now, bo pian.. no life for almost 3months liao.. *shakes head*

Then she always say, who ask u all never live near me. If u live near me, I can help u look after the 2 kids mah.. In my heart, I was thanking god, luckily we pick another corner of SG to live in. Haha.

Missed my mum but too bad she passed away in May 08 before seeing her grandson.. Haiz..

 

[SH74]

autumn82 > sigh..... aft give birth, the best is having our own mom ard to help us during confinement n taking care of bb. i think all new mothers prefer their own mom to do that. me too. but also dun hv this chance 'cause my mom passed away 10+ yrs ago.

 

[autumn82]

Haiz. Wat to do? We've got no choice who to live who to die. Haha. At least my mum more modern thinking.. not like my MIL.. Lao gu dong.. ZZz. Not say she dunno how to look after kids la.. She got 3 of her own mah.. But ya.. diff way of bringing up kids..

 

[SH74]

ya lor... but at least u r coping w the loss quite well. we'll alw feel that our own mom's way of bringing up kids is the best. mil can seldom b as good. hahaha... a bit biased though.

like me, when my mil 1st time help take care of my boy, i'm not used to it. but now, ok alr. jus hv to close 1 eye. cannot expect her do exactly the same way as me. i think my mil also know my pattern alr. so we both try to give n take.

dunno next time wat kind of mil i'll b. hahaha.... a bit too far to think now.

 

[autumn82]

My mum had stage 4 lung cancer, so kinda prepared for the worst when she was diagnosed in Nov 07.

My HB also said the same thing. Sometimes u just have to close one eye.. Which I dun like to listen... Haha. He say so easy, coz I'm looking after them, not him. He won't know what I've to go thru. Hee. But we can't go partor becoz of my 2 kids which I dink is not healthy & I'm dying to go out. Still thinking of who can look after them.. Haiz.

MIL? ME? Prob not in SG all the time.. Dun ask me to look after my grandchild. Tolong!! Haha.

Are u a SAHM? How many kids? I'm a SAHM with 2 kids, one turning 4 this Nov, another one turning 3 mths on 20 Oct. Kinda difficult to cope right at the start coz my gal all along with nanny since birth. But luckily now better abit.. But alittle sianz for me.. Haha.

 

[SH74]

autumn82 > my mom started fr tumor all the way to stage 4 cancer. 2+ yrs. took me a few yrs to get over the loss. n partly 'cause of her, i dun care abt settling down. 'cause dun c the pt since my mom cant get to c me in wedding gown, cant take care of my bb.

yalor. ez to say 'close 1 eye'. but sometimes really no choice. if wan more freedom, let mil take care, then hv to close 1 eye. but sometimes 1 eye also cant close. so far for me, still ok. still can close 1 eye. hahaha... sometimes ears also close.

everytime my mil comes to help, we actu can hv some time to pator but paiseh leave bb w mil then we go out enjoy. in the end, we either stay home or bring mil n bb along. all pator together. haiz... i miss watching movies. miss the cinema smell. hahaha...

me WAHM. my boy 6months now. still dunno if wan no. 2 or not. but worried my boy will feel lonely. think mus wait until my dad retires in 2010. n my mil stays nearer to my plc. got more ppl to help, then can hv no. 2.

if not, v jialat. being SAHM can b quite sian at times. esp if alone at home w kids most of time.

 

[January84]

autumn82 >


my mum passed away 14 years ago. . . my dad says if my mummy still around she will help me to take care of my children, yeahm i know that and i be more happy.

now is my MIL taking care for me. She is soon going to be a PR in my house even though she stay so near to me. . .

I have mastered the skill of close 1-1/5 of my eyes liao... I so scared i will fall to a depression soon, I even thought of moving out of stay with my dad and kids many times, cos don want my DH to be sandwiched btw us when I don like her this or MIL don like me that. .

We give birth to out babies but we got no say, who is the mother and who is the granny now. . .

apologies, abit of of thread. . .

 

[SH74]

january84 > sometimes if MIL dunno how to 'auto', really diffi. cant expect ur hb ask his mom go home also. i got some friends who dun hv 'auto' MIL.

i was worried initially that my MIL will want b PR in my new plc also. luckily she didnt. n luckily my hb didnt want that either.

sometimes it's good to hv some1 take care for us. but sometimes we need some personal breathing space. if u close ur eyes unwillingly, u'll feel miserable n depressed aft some time.

if u move out, how is ur hb going to explain to his mom? sigh... diffi also.

wat i can suggest is, mayb u try not stay home w ur MIL all the time. mayb go back to ur parents' plc. aft ur hb back, then u go back.

i alw tell my hb that i shld hv more say abt my kids 'cause i'll spend more time w them than his mom. not nice but true. sometimes older generation's method cannot b used anymore, in this modern world. so many things hv evolved. their time where got so many types of milk brands. where got epidural. where got so many injections. if still insist to use their method, our kids might suffer in future. n MIL may not get to c our kids suffer. in the end, we (parents) r still the ones who'll suffer physically, emotionally and financially.

 

[autumn82]

i alw tell my hb that i shld hv more say abt my kids 'cause i'll spend more time w them than his mom. not nice but true. sometimes older generation's method cannot b used anymore, in this modern world. so many things hv evolved. their time where got so many types of milk brands. where got epidural. where got so many injections. if still insist to use their method, our kids might suffer in future. n MIL may not get to c our kids suffer. in the end, we (parents) r still the ones who'll suffer physically, emotionally and financially.

That's wat I told my DH as well. Haha. Its' true wat!

 

[autumn82]

autumn82 > everytime my mil comes to help, we actu can hv some time to pator but paiseh leave bb w mil then we go out enjoy. in the end, we either stay home or bring mil n bb along. all pator together. haiz... i miss watching movies. miss the cinema smell. hahaha...

me WAHM. my boy 6months now. still dunno if wan no. 2 or not. but worried my boy will feel lonely. think mus wait until my dad retires in 2010. n my mil stays nearer to my plc. got more ppl to help, then can hv no. 2.

if not, v jialat. being SAHM can b quite sian at times. esp if alone at home w kids most of time.

I brought my 2 kids out together wif us to watch. Stubborn me.. Haha. Now my DH psycho-ing me to leave the kids at MIL place tis Fri, then go out and makan & club.. I rejected him..

So good, WAHM, not so bored. Prob 2-3yrs gap would be nice..

Very sian, no time for urself. Only in the nite when u wanna sleep, then got alittle of ur time.. Then the little one will start crying for milk.. ZzZz.